Okay. Another confession time. "Father, forgive me. I am a worrier. I've sinned 10 times already this week!" I can't help it. It's genetics. My Mom is a worrier. Her Mom was a worrier. Her Mom was a worrier. I am a 4th generation worrier. I worry about everything. My wife, my kids, my house, my car, the bills, my job, and every little, dad-gum, nit-picking, little thing that comes along! I'm going to worry about it. When I worry, I don't sleep. I don't eat right. I'm consumed about nothing, but the problem at hand. If I have a bill coming due before payday, I will stress out till I can get it taken care of. If something isn't going right at work, I stress and worry till it is fixed. I can't do nothing about it, that's just who I am. To some I may seem laid back, aloof, if you will, but in the inside, I'm like a golf ball swung full swing in a tile bath room. Just bouncing all over the place. What I have learned in my little time on this journey, is when I stress or worry, I want to eat. Something about placing my lips around a big, ole greasy, cheeseburger would seem to calm the nerves.
Why do I do this? Why do I want to eat? There's something in food that always makes me feel comfortable. It makes me feel that I am loved. Now your asking me, "how can an inanimate object like food convey feeling?" For me, it's easy to see. Growing up, we didn't always have a lot. Dad would work long hours, pick up odd jobs to help pay bills, and put food on the table. If, that didn't work he'd pick up cans to recycle to help out. He always picked up cans wherever he went. He did that his whole life. We missed a few meals, but not many. Were they always the best meals, not always. I eaten my fair share of fried bologna and fried potatoes growing up. I always said I'd never eat that again when I grew up, but it's still one of my favorite meals. When dinner was on the table, you knew things were okay. The emotions brought on by my childhood would later help me to cope with things as an adult. If I can't sleep cause I'm worrying about a bill, well I'll eat something while I'm up. The fuller I got, the more I felt like things are going to be okay.
You also got it only two ways back then. Eat it, or do with out. I never did without. I would tease about when we're were raising our three boys, that one word we never used in our house was leftovers, because they scarfed everything, but the same could be said about me and my brother. We would eat everything on our plates. Chicken and potato cakes, gone. Beans, cornbread, and fried potatoes. Gone. Meatloaf. Not always gone. It always seemed to be better when it was cold with a little bit of mayonnaise in between two pieces of bread, but you get the point. When I ate everything till there was none left, I was happy! As an adult, I became the same way. I was never happy leaving something on my plate. I would feel that it was rude to leave an empty plate. If my eyes were bigger than my stomach, it wouldn't matter. I was going to gorge myself till it was all gone. Then I could be happy. The main difference was I was active when I was younger. I played outside all day. In the sandbox, climbing trees, or riding my bike all over town. As a teenager, I still rode my bike, and I played sports. As an adult not so much. As things consumed me, I would eat to feel happy, and things would be okay.
This is my second time with Weight Watchers. The first time was 3 years ago. I lost almost 45 pounds. Things were good. Then I had knee surgery. I went on short term disability, and only got a portion of my check. Things got tough. I had to quit WW. It was hard to put food on the table let alone healthy food! I promised my wife as soon as I got back to work and things got better, we'd go back. It took almost a year. Me and Melody were talking about it, when late one night I got a fateful call. My Dad had had a hemorrhage and suffered a heart attack. He was being flown to Tulsa. When we got there the next day, he was taken off life support and passed away. My hero in life was gone. I planned his funeral, and helped with Mom. Over the next year and a half, things were as a blur From dealing to his estate, to theives stealing stuff from Mom, Mom in and out of hospital, or paying for those bills. The stress and worry mounted up. I ate to try and comfort myself. It finally took a wake up call from one of my managers at work to snap me out of the funk I had been in. Thank you Tracy. It was like a veil and weight lifted all at one time. When I emerged, I had not only gained those 43 pounds back, but another thirty. I ate, and ate, and ate. The more I ate, the more the couch became my best friend.
The good news is, I did wake up! I'm having the time of my life! I'm eating healthy again, I'm exercising really good. I've got more energy. I'm finding a new way to relieve stress or worry. I go the the gym and exercise. I'm no longer hurting myself with stress, I'm healing myself with stress. Yesterday, my truck started acting up. That would've set off a binge easily, but after finding out what it would take to fix it, I went to the gym and had the hardest workout I've had so far! I sat on my bike, plugged my headphones in, closed my eyes and just rode. I promised myself I would ride for two whole songs before I stopped. When I opened my eyes I had gone 1 1/2 miles! Something I couldn't accomplished just 2 short weeks ago! The stress will always be there, but the way I will handle it from now on will be different.
While I got the chance, I want to thank the people who are riding along with me on my journey. It was never my intent to gain alot of followers, but to heal myself writing this. I am one of those people who learn by reading. I write down my thoughts, then go back and re-read them several times before I publish it. When I get discouraged, I read my older blogs to remind me of where I was, and where I am now. If my ramblings help you in any way, I hope God blesses you on your journey!
If you have any questions or coments, feel free to look me up on Facebook at Randy Manning or at My E-Mail.
If you want to start your own journey, come see us at Weight Watchers at 1607 24th Ave NW Suite 104 in Norman, Ok. We're right next to Starbucks.
No comments:
Post a Comment